My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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