I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
