ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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