omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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