I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
