i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Terrible idea I love it
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
