so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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