Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
