i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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