that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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