I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
