Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
