So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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