I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
