Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
