She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
