remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Alive.
So much puke
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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