just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
