Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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