let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
