i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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