fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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