shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
