I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
