It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
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I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
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You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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