his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
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Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
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I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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