Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
