the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
