The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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