I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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