ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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