You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
