I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
