Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
