He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
