She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My vagina is officially offended.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
