there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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