I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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