My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
