I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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