I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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