Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Jerry, you need to find god
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Drunk is not a location!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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