Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
