i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
im calling her cock vulture from now on
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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