break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
