There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
