He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
