He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
