I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
