If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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