Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Im just a social blackout drinker.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
