I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
