I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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