So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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