We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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