do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
