i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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