Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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