no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
