Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
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