Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
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Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
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Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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