Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think I died a long time ago.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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