if you like me you must not know who I am
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
