i think i have herpe
just one?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
